Lemme know what you think


Battle of the Cafeteria


Dingalingaling! Dingalingaling! The cook tapped his triangle again. Dingalingaling! “Come and geeeeet eet!” He spoke with a strong accent.
Then the hoard came stampeding in, trampling any and everyone unfortunate enough to be in their path. The cook suddenly exchanged his instrument for a crimson red square of cloth.
“Chaaaaarge!” could be heard above the din, uttered by the frontmost man, obviously their leader. Or perhaps chieftain, it was difficult to draw a distinction.
The cook fluttered the red icon and a raging battlecry tore from his throat.
The war was now.
The oncoming hoard split into three parties: a left and a right flank, and the center, headed by the leader. The cook turned and rushed for his kitchen and took up the ladle and the fork – glorious utensils for the imminent chaos. Though many might argue the chaos was already come.
Slops of casserole, heaps of mush, and helpings of mold flew rapidly toward the advancing army, propelled by the frantic cook’s fork and ladle. Their leader roared. “We will not be satisfied!”
Sweat inched down the obese cook’s brow, and splashed down on the cold, hard floor.
They arrived then. The storm. The ravaging, ferocious, unmerciful storm of hungered beasts. When they finally let up, not a crumb, not a bone, not a single morsel was left to be found.
Not even the cook.

That's very well done! For a second, I thought it was a food fight!

QFT

Master of Stickmen wrote:QFT

You have to quote something for it to be QFT. You technically are quoting "nothing", or rather, "everything".

Grev wrote:

Master of Stickmen wrote:QFT

You have to quote something for it to be QFT. You technically are quoting "nothing", or rather, "everything".

QFT.

As for the short story, I'm afraid it doesn't quite agree to my tastes. For me, short stories had more character developement than that. Why was the mob hungry? Why were they a mob? The cook was calling them in for food; why did they stampede?

As for the short story, I'm afraid it doesn't quite agree to my tastes. For me, short stories had more character developement than that. Why was the mob hungry? Why were they a mob? The cook was calling them in for food; why did they stampede?

When I write (and read), I actually enjoy it when there's a lot of features for the imagination to fill in, and especially for what's actually going on, at least until after it's happened. I really like it when a book says what happened first, especially if it's an adrenaline-filled event such as this, and then later at the end clarifies the event a bit with some more detailed dialog. Also, what I feel like I did with this story is as you read it, you get clued in on all that info. Compare the following. [ the diner mentioned is an actual restaurant around here, dunno if it's a chain, but it's really nice and inexpensive too]

[ It was a rainy day, Charles observed, as he stared blankly out the window from his cozy booth inside the 2400 Diner. A waitress came by and asked, "What can I get for you?" Charles looked up from his menu and said, "I'd like the chili. Would you recommend it?" "Oh, yes, the chili here is delicious, the best around." Charles grinned a bit. "That would be very nice." ]

[ Charles watched from the diner as the pigeons outside landed their flights and searched for building overhangs to get a dry nap under. The gentle but incessant patter of raindrops could be heard even from inside the restaurant. "What can I get for you?" The waitress asked. "You been here to 2400 Diner before, sah?" Charles looked up from his menu. He remarked, "Would you recommend this?" The waitress leaned near the warm booth in which Charles sat so that she could see what he pointed at. "Oh, yes, the chili is delicious. Best around." Charles grinned a bit. "That would be very nice." ]

I enjoy reading writings in the style of the second passage much more. You learn what's going on not because the author tells you directly, at least not initially, but rather from the context of the story. Both passages provide the same information (except maybe character personalities, but disregard that) but is presented in a much different light.

Why was the mob hungry?

Because it's time to be fed, obviously.

Why were they a mob?

Slops of casserole, heaps of mush, and helpings of mold flew rapidly toward the advancing army, propelled by the frantic cook’s fork and ladle. Their leader roared. “We will not be satisfied!”

Mob mentality. The leader worked them up into a frenzy.

The cook was calling them in for food; why did they stampede?

“Chaaaaarge!” could be heard above the din, uttered by the frontmost man, obviously their leader. Or perhaps chieftain, it was difficult to draw a distinction.

They are presented as being quite barbaric in several instances.



BTW when transferring from paper to computer, I made a typo. "raging" was originally "ravaging", which I felt was a much more fitting word and so edited the first post.


Should I post some more of my stories?

Grev wrote:

Master of Stickmen wrote:QFT

You have to quote something for it to be QFT. You technically are quoting "nothing", or rather, "everything".

What do you think I'm QFTing? I'm either QFTing the story (how does that make sense?) or what RED 51 said.

Bio - for that end-first series, have you ever read a short story by Roger Zelazny called "Divine Madness"? It's in his The Doors of his Face, the Lamps of his Mouth compendium, and it's a pure masterpiece about a man who suffers sporadic seizures that seem to cause him to live backwards. If you like leaving things up to the imagination (or simply adopting a Zen mindset and blankly accepting everything the author writes), and then having a moment of "Oh my God" enlightenment at the end, you'd love that story.

Sounds interesting, I'll have to take a look at that

I wrote:Should I post some more of my stories?