Very nice, I like the little details (the music, "Don't stand on in the suns too long) you put into it, makes it feel alot more polished. Honestly, dialogue isn't that great, but it's still better than the movie, so I can't complain.

And out of curiosity, is this going to cover all 3, or just Episode I?

GangsterJawa wrote:Very nice, I like the little details (the music, "Don't stand on in the suns too long) you put into it, makes it feel alot more polished. Honestly, dialogue isn't that great, but it's still better than the movie, so I can't complain.

And out of curiosity, is this going to cover all 3, or just Episode I?

Well, thanks for the comment. Yes, the dialogue isn't too good, but it was a rushed work
As for what it covers, this is just ep 1 for now. 2 & 3 will come later, hopefully.

Here it is: the end of part 4


The junk shop’s interior was cramped with spare machinery parts. The coolness of artificial climate control bit at the nostrils and stung the lungs. A grumpy blue Toydarian fluttered in the middle of the shop, arms crossed over his gas-filled pot belly.
<About time you got back!> he said to Anakin.
<I’m not stupid enough to wander off, Watto. Just making sure we didn’t get jumped by Raiders.>
<We? Why are they here?> He jabbed a stubby finger at the travelers.
“We were shot down by the Federation when we arrived,” Qui-gon said. “Our ship was completely destroyed.”
“Weeeeeeell then. That is a problem, yes. If you need a ride, this is the wrong place, hmm? You best be looking through the cantina if you’re wanting a lift. Oh, but the Federation…they aren’t letting anyone offworld. Hmm. Not much you could do there. But…if you have the money, I could be willing to let you stay in the boy’s apartment. If you have the money, of course.”
“That could be arranged.”
“Ah! Good, good. And, if you cannot find a ship willing to take you in the city, I do have some that could be of interest to you. Boy! Go show our customers our selection.”
“On it.” Anakin motioned for them to follow him out a back door.
Behind the junk shop was, unsurprisingly, a load of junk. Old, broken, salvaged, and abandoned machinery was piled in haphazard mountains. The rusting hulks of several small ships poked out from behind the simmering refuse. Anakin led the three through this harsh terrain to a small clearing around one of the ships.
“Well, here we are. Everyone, this is Angel.” He motioned to the ship. It looked to be a small long-range cargo ship, built for five people at the maximum. It was at least seventy years out of date, but patched up extensively. Anakin’s eyes swelled with pride while he looked at her. “Yeah, she’s kind of a mess, and she’s one of those ships held together by plastic adhesive and a prayer, but you know that those ships never let you down.”
Padme knocked on the blue-white cockpit of a stranded podracer that sat next to the ship. While there were other pods in the junkyard, this one was in drivable condition.
“You race?”
“Do I race? Girl, I live to race. This is the Demon.”
“Angel and Demon… been listening to a few spacer’s tales, I take it. Iego?”
“Pretty literate for a Jedi, Qui-gon.”
“The ship looks good, but I’d like to inspect the others.”
“Screaming death traps, all of them. Angel’s the only one that could make it out of orbit. ‘Course, that’s the problem. Since it’s the only good one, Watto won’t sell it. Not unless it’s a small fortune.”
“I have twenty thousand Republic Credits with me.”
“Republic Credits?” Anakin laughed. “You’re in the Outer Rim, man. Credits are worthless out here. You’ll need some hard local currency to buy anything out here. ‘Course, I know a way to get them.”
“And that would be?”
“The Boonta Eve podrace is in three days. The prize money from that is worth the ship, the racer and me, plus extra.”
“I didn’t think slavery existed anymore.” Obi-wan said.
“You really need to get out of the house more. As I was saying, with the prize money, you could easily buy Angel and pay off my price.”
“I take it you want to get off this planet.”
“Do I ever. But, there’s one problem: Sebulba’s racing this year. Came out of retirement just for this race. And he has a perfect win streak.” Anakin waved the thought away. “What the hell are we doing out in the suns? We’ll talk about it at my place. Maybe Threepio or Artoo could help you out some.”

I know it's not much, but it works.

Well, the first part was interesting, the second is a bit rushed, but it works, as you said. I take it it's my turn now? Ok.

I'm thinking of perhaps writing the whole chapter 5 from the point of view of Anakin.

Good work as usual, but as Nihillo said, a bit rushed after midway.

GangsterJawa wrote:Good work as usual, but as Nihillo said, a bit rushed after midway.

Yeah, I know. I was running low on material.

It's fine, the only thing I don't like is the way Anakin conveniently becomes part of the prize.

Nihillo wrote:I'm thinking of perhaps writing the whole chapter 5 from the point of view of Anakin.

It would be rather tricky to write a race scene from the point of a spectator who can't even see most of the race. I don't think you have much choice.

Xavious wrote:

Nihillo wrote:I'm thinking of perhaps writing the whole chapter 5 from the point of view of Anakin.

It would be rather tricky to write a race scene from the point of a spectator who can't even see most of the race. I don't think you have much choice.

Actually, I could write it from the point of view of an external, non-corporeal narrator (as we have done up until now), but I will opt to write the whole thing as if I (the narrator) was Anakin, that way I can give the reader a better insight into his mind, feelings and perception of the events during, prior and after the race.

Nihillo wrote:

Xavious wrote:

Nihillo wrote:I'm thinking of perhaps writing the whole chapter 5 from the point of view of Anakin.

It would be rather tricky to write a race scene from the point of a spectator who can't even see most of the race. I don't think you have much choice.

Actually, I could write it from the point of view of an external, non-corporeal narrator (as we have done up until now), but I will opt to write the whole thing as if I (the narrator) was Anakin, that way I can give the reader a better insight into his mind, feelings and perception of the events during, prior and after the race.

Good idea. I like that.

plasmoidmonkey wrote:

Nihillo wrote:

Xavious wrote:

Nihillo wrote:I'm thinking of perhaps writing the whole chapter 5 from the point of view of Anakin.

It would be rather tricky to write a race scene from the point of a spectator who can't even see most of the race. I don't think you have much choice.

Actually, I could write it from the point of view of an external, non-corporeal narrator (as we have done up until now), but I will opt to write the whole thing as if I (the narrator) was Anakin, that way I can give the reader a better insight into his mind, feelings and perception of the events during, prior and after the race.

Good idea. I like that.

I second it, good idea.

Hey guys, just wanted to inform you that the next chapter should be completed by wednesday or sooner (probably sooner, wednesday is kinda like my self-imposed deadline).

"What is taking you so long?" I can hear you asking (or not), well, to be sincere, I never wrote a story in a first person perspective before... yeah ... so I had to read half of a small book to get a good idea of how to do it (that and also because the book is great). So, stay with me and hope I don't screw up.